If it's one of those long, hard, thrusting phallic symbols
wielded by a handsome, noble, manly man, wonder if it just got
really hot in here. Fan self.
If it's one of those little baby swords, think, "That's probably
more like it."
Every time Pippin acts like an idiot, take a shot.
If he totally puts the Fellowship in mortal danger with his
idiocy, yell, "Tool of a fook!" Imagine how much better that
would sound in Billy Boyd's Glaswegian accent.
Every time Legolas looks fabulous, take a shot.
If his blond tresses look particularly fabulous, go condition
your hair. Rinse. Repeat.
Every time Frodo's eyes roll back into his head, take a shot.
If that looks really painful, try it yourself and get a
headache. Appreciate Elijah Wood's dedication to his art all the
more.
Every time Gollum hacks up a "gollum! gollum!" take a shot.
If you hack something up while imitating Gollum, that's
disgusting.
Every time someone or something is called "precious," take a
shot.
If you start calling your DVDs "precious," take a vacation.
Every time someone consults a map, take a shot.
If the map
looks like it was printed off MapQuest, that's pretty funny.
Every time you speak along with the dialogue, take a shot.
If you recognize the dialogue as appearing word-for-word
in the book, hate yourself for being such a Tolkien dork.
Every time you see the Great Eye, throw Visine at the screen.
Every time Elrond appears onscreen, say
"Missssterrrr Aragorn..."
Every time someone talks about Shire weed, giggle
uncontrollably and suffer an attack of the munchies.
Every time someone rides a horse, clap two halves of a
coconut shell together to imitate the clopping of hooves, like
they did in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Every time someone lapses into a language not the Common
Tongue, accuse him of being French.
Every time someone uses the word "Mordor," say, Groucho Marx-style,
"It was Moida, pronounced Moida."
Every time a Man, a Dwarf, and an Elf walk into the
Riddermark, hold a competition for the best punch-line to that
setup. Award the winner a two-week, all-expenses-paid
trip to New Zealand.
Every time Peter Jackson makes a cameo, fall to your knees in
abject worship and chant, "All hail Peter Jackson! All hail
Peter Jackson!"
Every time an Orc dies, an angel gets his wings.